It's Valentine's Day!
A time to remember all the love in the world. Or, in my house, a time to be shackled to the altar in the basement, sacrificing a bull to the great god Babau in the hopes that he will enter your body, filling you with his glorious essence to sleep until such a time as the symbols were aligned and he would burst forth. Flames spewing from his gargantuan maw as he began to sing the final notes that will call forth the unholy rapture to devour the souls of the just and consume the Earth.
But everyone has their own traditions.
We here in the televisual wing of IWG Towers have been feeling somewhat reflective recently. To capitalise on these feelings these brave writer's delved deep into the repressed memories of their formative years and uncovered their first TV crush.
In order to reserve some semblance of privacy (and to protect identities if needs be) the names have been altered.
My first TV crush was April O'Neil of the Teenage Mutant Hero (Ninja) Turtles. I first encountered her aiding the four most bodacious dudes as I prepared for school in the mornings at the tender age of five. Admittedly, it wasn't until puberty, when I stumbled on to the show once again, that I realised there was something more to her than having the most awesome job in the world (following four anthropomorphic turtles around with a camera? Fucking YES!)
Unfortunately, since those stirrings, there's been a reboot of the series where April is now a 16 year old girl, making it more than likely for eyebrows to be raised (as though they weren't already by announcing a crush on a cartoon character). But it is the original, hard-nosed reporter who captured my heart all those years ago.
My first TV crush was David Tennant. I count him as my first Doctor (well, technically it was Christoper Eccleston but, no offence to him, I prefer David) and he was the one that got me obsessed with the series. I haven’t looked back since.
What drew me to him? He had always been a lifelong fan of the show. He was a lot more fun than Eccleston’s Doctor, he was childlike, always excited and longed for adventure. He was the first Doctor to really have romantic storylines (who can forget Rose Tyler Madame du Pompadour, Nurse Joan Redfern and so many others). He would never stand for threats, he refused to fight for those he loved and, despite his fun-loving attitude, he had many emotional moments. The image of him standing out in the rain after leaving Donna behind.
Those that know me know that when I am having a bad day, sending me a picture of David Tennant makes everything better.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer was an ingenious television show that had gifted us with a heroine who kicked ass, was sarcastic, could be hurt and paint her nails at the same time. Alongside her was a bunch of monsters and misfits who helped her battle against evil. Amongst them was the brilliant Giles and the equally divine Willow who tantalised my lady parts equally.
Buffy was my sexual awakening. So Giles wasn’t exactly hot to trot when you were a child or teenager. But there was something about Anthony Stewart Head’s gleam and sarcasm. But I found out that Giles could sing, everything you wanted in your intellectual and British guide, that’s when I was overcome with all the tingles in parts Anatasia Steele never knew she had.
Then there was Willow was also the source of my undying flames. Especially when it came to Tara and Willow. Oh Tara and Willow, now that was a relationship your vagina and heart could appreciate. My love affair with Alyson Hannigan has lasted until now. She was my first pin up. The girl on my wall. The time where I went – “holy shit, maybe I like all genders?”
Bad guys are sexy. I think we can all agree on that, right? So it’s no wonder that my TV sexual awakening came at the hands of Sailor Moon’s Malachite (note: this is not his name in the original Japanese, but this was before watching online videos). He might have been working for the Negaverse, attempting to defeat the Sailor Scouts and take over this dimension, but the man was sexy. He had long hair, broad shoulders and a cape (a sexy military one, unlike the formal-wear of Tuxedo Mask). And Malachite was ruthlessly efficient, one of the toughest opponents Sailor Moon et al ever faced (efficiency is an attribute I admire in a man). But like all great villains, he had a heart, breaking down at the death of his lover, Zoycite.
OK, so for this article I did go back to rewatch a bit of Sailor Moon, and Malachite might be one of the hammiest hams to exist in animation, but he was a formative influence on me. Years before I heard the terms “fanfiction” and “self-insert fic”, I was dreaming up elaborate plots in which I was a double agent Sailor Scout, having been bright up in the Negaverse and beloved of Malachite. I regret nothing.
Salem Saberhagen owned my heart from the tender age of eight upwards. Sure, I was never physically attracted to him, but I feel like we got each other on an emotional level. Soul mates, if you will. We shared a love of bubble baths, pizza, the internet, and world domination. Especially world domination. Also, uncontrollable sobbing.
His loyalty and love for Sabrina demonstrated the heart of gold encased within this furry megalomaniac and ensured he held the top spot in my heart for years to come.
Does it bother me that my first love was an animatronic puppet given life by three puppeteers and an ESPN radio host? No. Not in the slightest. While he may not have been the perfect human, he was definitely the perfect cat. And, honestly, who could want more than that?
When asked the question who was my first TV crush, the word vampire popped into my head. The next was Angel. What teenage Buffy fan didn’t have a thing for the charmingly elusive vampire with a soul – David Boreanaz. Sure there was Oz, geeky Xander and well Buffy herself, albeit this character by far was the most enduring to young girls, even a slayer. Boreanaz not only had the dashingly good looks, he was essentially a walking time bomb – and the one thing to set him off is of course the one thing that Buffy and indeed every young woman wanted from him, sex. There is no two ways about it, Angel was a massive sex symbol and there probably wasn’t a girl who was into good TV who didn’t have a poster on her wall of this fanged devilish creature. He was always there for Buffy and even when his soul is ripped from him and Angelus shows his true intentions, there isn’t a moment he is on screen that leads us to stop crushing on his man. If anyone who is a Buffy fan and they say they never had a thing for Boreanaz is clearly lying to themselves!
Are You Aroused?
Do you think you know who fancied whom/
Who was your TV crush?
Let us know in the comments!