by Graham Osborne
It’s National Towel Day today!
In order to celebrate this most glorious of days, we here at I’m With Geek decided that we would honour the humble towel in all of its glory. We debated long and hard over how to achieve such a feat, before deciding on how useful a towel would be, were you to travel to a TV series. In order to maintain posterity, we chose to award the Towel Oriented Workload Efficiency Level to a variety of TV universes, breaching the realms of science fiction, fantasy, and even the mundane. The scoring system was out of ten, depending how useful using your towel would be in a situation, with One being “no use whatsoever” and Ten being “handy camouflage should the Bugblatter Beast of Traal turn up.”
With that out the way, let’s get started!
It’s National Towel Day today!
In order to celebrate this most glorious of days, we here at I’m With Geek decided that we would honour the humble towel in all of its glory. We debated long and hard over how to achieve such a feat, before deciding on how useful a towel would be, were you to travel to a TV series. In order to maintain posterity, we chose to award the Towel Oriented Workload Efficiency Level to a variety of TV universes, breaching the realms of science fiction, fantasy, and even the mundane. The scoring system was out of ten, depending how useful using your towel would be in a situation, with One being “no use whatsoever” and Ten being “handy camouflage should the Bugblatter Beast of Traal turn up.”
With that out the way, let’s get started!
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Starting with the series that brought the full usefulness of towels to the unwashed masses (presumably they became cleaner after the discovery), and described by the eponymous Guide as “About the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have,” it also discusses the psychological value that a towel has upon a person as well as listing numerous methods of using one’s towel in a variety of ways. (See Bugblatter Beast of Traal, above)
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 10/10 – If you can find a reason not to use your towel, you’re not thinking hard enough.
Starting with the series that brought the full usefulness of towels to the unwashed masses (presumably they became cleaner after the discovery), and described by the eponymous Guide as “About the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have,” it also discusses the psychological value that a towel has upon a person as well as listing numerous methods of using one’s towel in a variety of ways. (See Bugblatter Beast of Traal, above)
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 10/10 – If you can find a reason not to use your towel, you’re not thinking hard enough.
The IT Crowd
Returning our feet to Terra Firma now, The IT Crowd can be seen as an unlikely candidate to need a towel. But remember, we’re talking about “standard nerds” here. I’m sure I can’t be the only one among us who has grabbed a tea-towel from the staff kitchen and proceeded to whip everyone I deemed was not working hard enough. It’s a shame that my boss was having a nap in his office at the time…
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 6.5/10 – It’s all fun and games, until your colleagues start complaining.
Returning our feet to Terra Firma now, The IT Crowd can be seen as an unlikely candidate to need a towel. But remember, we’re talking about “standard nerds” here. I’m sure I can’t be the only one among us who has grabbed a tea-towel from the staff kitchen and proceeded to whip everyone I deemed was not working hard enough. It’s a shame that my boss was having a nap in his office at the time…
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 6.5/10 – It’s all fun and games, until your colleagues start complaining.
Firefly
Firefly’s dependence on towels is very much dependent on where you happen to be. If you’re out on The Rim, you’re probably going to need a towel to wipe off all that dust and sand you’ll probably be traipsing all over your small hovel. On the other hand, if you’re living on one of the Core Planets, you probably have a fancy device that will dry you off without any need for a warm, fluffy towel. Of course, if you’re on a ship, it will probably be a necessity.
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 5-6/10 – Have you ever tried to get sand out of your clothes after a day at the beach? I’m not sure a towel on The Rim would be much use.
Firefly’s dependence on towels is very much dependent on where you happen to be. If you’re out on The Rim, you’re probably going to need a towel to wipe off all that dust and sand you’ll probably be traipsing all over your small hovel. On the other hand, if you’re living on one of the Core Planets, you probably have a fancy device that will dry you off without any need for a warm, fluffy towel. Of course, if you’re on a ship, it will probably be a necessity.
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 5-6/10 – Have you ever tried to get sand out of your clothes after a day at the beach? I’m not sure a towel on The Rim would be much use.
Dexter
Being set in Miami is very beneficial for towel usage. Casually lie on it as you stalk your victim, wrap it around his neck to use as a makeshift garrote whilst you get him to your killing room. Then after the deed is done, use it to mop up any stray blood that you may have missed. Probably best to get rid of the towel afterwards though. Lots of DNA on that thing now…
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 5/10 – Plenty of uses for a towel here, but you’re going to need to start buying in bulk, and that could look very suspicious to the authorities on the lookout for a serial killer.
Being set in Miami is very beneficial for towel usage. Casually lie on it as you stalk your victim, wrap it around his neck to use as a makeshift garrote whilst you get him to your killing room. Then after the deed is done, use it to mop up any stray blood that you may have missed. Probably best to get rid of the towel afterwards though. Lots of DNA on that thing now…
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 5/10 – Plenty of uses for a towel here, but you’re going to need to start buying in bulk, and that could look very suspicious to the authorities on the lookout for a serial killer.
Game of Thrones
BEHOLD, the Knight of the Towels! One can only assume that the humble towel would be incredibly useful during one’s stay in Westeros. Dry yourself off after being bathed by beautiful maidens, wrap it around you to keep warm by The Wall or use it to staunch the bleeding after you’ve been betrayed. Don’t forget, it can also be used to hide your shame, should you get caught in flagrante with the Queen or Princess (basically anyone royal) and have to dive out of a window to escape. Just make sure to get yourself checked after…
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 9/10 – The only thing your towel can’t do here is win wars, and cure your STD.
BEHOLD, the Knight of the Towels! One can only assume that the humble towel would be incredibly useful during one’s stay in Westeros. Dry yourself off after being bathed by beautiful maidens, wrap it around you to keep warm by The Wall or use it to staunch the bleeding after you’ve been betrayed. Don’t forget, it can also be used to hide your shame, should you get caught in flagrante with the Queen or Princess (basically anyone royal) and have to dive out of a window to escape. Just make sure to get yourself checked after…
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 9/10 – The only thing your towel can’t do here is win wars, and cure your STD.
No towels here. Keep moving. Neighbours
Set in Australia, Neighbours is the prime location for the correct application of a towel. Lie on the beach, soaking up the sun, towel off after surfing, and then casually swat away the numerous deadly animals that are swarming around the place (this is Australia, after all).
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 10/10 – Who doesn’t love a nice day at the beach?
Set in Australia, Neighbours is the prime location for the correct application of a towel. Lie on the beach, soaking up the sun, towel off after surfing, and then casually swat away the numerous deadly animals that are swarming around the place (this is Australia, after all).
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 10/10 – Who doesn’t love a nice day at the beach?
Adventure Time
There is a slight problem here. The vast majority of objects within the Adventure Time universe are anthropomorphic. Using this bit of information, we can conclude that a towel in the Adventure Time universe would also have a personality and feelings. This means that, should one use a towel to dry oneself off after bathing, how would the towel feel? Angry? Aroused? Confused? Violated? How would YOU like it?
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 0/10 - The addition of emotions makes the whole activity of towelling off very uncomfortable. If nothing else, you’re essentially rubbing someone’s face against your junk… Not a pretty sight!
There is a slight problem here. The vast majority of objects within the Adventure Time universe are anthropomorphic. Using this bit of information, we can conclude that a towel in the Adventure Time universe would also have a personality and feelings. This means that, should one use a towel to dry oneself off after bathing, how would the towel feel? Angry? Aroused? Confused? Violated? How would YOU like it?
T.O.W.E.L. Rating: 0/10 - The addition of emotions makes the whole activity of towelling off very uncomfortable. If nothing else, you’re essentially rubbing someone’s face against your junk… Not a pretty sight!
Well, there you have it. How would a towel enhance your life were you dropped into your favourite TV series? Let us know in the comments.
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