By Helen Langdon
Robots often get the short end of the stick when it comes to sci-fi universes. After all, they don’t have to sleep, or eat, or breathe, and so they get all of the crappy jobs. There’s no kind of union to whom they can complain about their lot in life. There don’t tend to be robot psychiatrists to hear their woes. Most of the time, the humans around them seem to view them purely as a convenience, rather than a functioning human being in their own right. It’s not just Marvin the Paranoid Android who has it bad. Here’s the most desperately unhappy robots (and AIs) on TV.
Robots often get the short end of the stick when it comes to sci-fi universes. After all, they don’t have to sleep, or eat, or breathe, and so they get all of the crappy jobs. There’s no kind of union to whom they can complain about their lot in life. There don’t tend to be robot psychiatrists to hear their woes. Most of the time, the humans around them seem to view them purely as a convenience, rather than a functioning human being in their own right. It’s not just Marvin the Paranoid Android who has it bad. Here’s the most desperately unhappy robots (and AIs) on TV.
The Raston Warrior Robot (Doctor Who) – To the uneducated observer, the Raston Warrior Robot is just a killing machine, used by the Time Lords as a piece in the Game of Rassilon. What else do we know about him? Nothing, save that he cannot see, only feel movement. (WATCH THIS BIT) His creators, whoever they were, decided that eyes were an unnecessary luxury for a robot of death. Living all alone in the Death Zone, the Raston Warrior Robot is bored, toying with the Doctor and Sarah Jane just to give himself a bit of entertainment. Where did he come from? What are his motivations? Irrelevant. He’s like the universe’s saddest assassin (sorry, Bucky Barnes).
Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation) – Compared to some others on this list, Data has it pretty good. He’s a respected officer in Starfleet, with a pet, friends, and all the recreational time he wants to pretend to be Sherlock Holmes. But then think about how many times Data has to fight for self-determination. If the crew of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D weren’t fixing the holodeck, or fighting the Borg, or proving humanity’s worth to Q again, they were making sure Data got the same rights as the breathing members of the crew. Sometimes that’s just the right to make his own decisions. Sometimes, it’s the right to experience emotions. Either way, being Data involves a lot of court cases and a lot of existential angst.
Kevin (Saved By The Bell) – Part of the attraction of robots is how they offer us a vision of the future. Not so for poor Kevin, the creation of Screech Powers. Kevin’s life is miserable on a number of counts. Firstly, he has to deal with Nineties fashion and Screech’s overall Screechness (the Nineties seemed to specialise in those really, really annoying characters who might kill at any moment). And think about how little he appeared in the show – just a couple of episodes out of five seasons. As Screech discovers girls and desperately tries to gain Zack’s favour, Kevin leaves the narrative, forever confined to Screech’s bedroom.
KITT (Knight Rider) – Just imagine. You’re an AI inside a car, in the Eighties, probably the coolest time to be an automobile (company includes the A-Team van, the Back to the Future DeLorean and Ecto-1). And as KITT, you’ve got it even better, with the ability to drive yourself around and more accessories than you’d get on Pimp My Ride. But now consider the horror of your owner – a pre-Baywatch David Hasselhoff, all primped and ready to go. Because there’s nothing the ladies like more than a gentleman saving the world, right? You just know that some heavy petting has gone on in the back seat, with KITT’s Cylon eyes unable to look away from what is happening inside of him.
The Noo-Noo (Teletubbies) – The Noo-Noo is the poor slave of the Teletubbies. For cyborgs (after all, those televisions cannot be organic), the Teletubbies are strangely abusive of the Noo-Noo. It must clean up after them, no matter what the mess, including the Tubbymess still on the Teletubbies’ bodies. While the Teletubbies gurgle and giggle in their own language, the Noo-Noo must slurp and suck, unable to make itself fully understood. There must have been the technology to give the Noo-Noo a voice, but who knows what horrors it would speak of? Those wide eyes have seen things.
Kryten (Red Dwarf) –There’s something not quite right about Kryten, and it’s not just his vacuum cleaner crotch. When the crew of the Red Dwarf found Kryten, he was on board a crashed ship in deep space. And somehow he’d managed to not notice that his human mistresses had died millennia before, despite his preservation of their skeletons. Understandably, being alone for so long has left Kryten with a few neuroses, such as his abandonment issues. At least Kryten’s allowed to have emotions, but a build-up of the negative ones make his head explode. Given that Kryten has to share a ship with Arnold Rimmer, that’s a constant danger.
BMO (Adventure Time) – In a post-apocalyptic land, BMO lives with the adventurers Finn and Jake. Which sounds pretty good, as adopted families go. But Finn and Jake have lives outside the treehouse, with Finn’s relationship with Flame Princess and Jake’s family with Lady Rainicorn. BMO doesn’t usually leave without them, meaning that it has to resort to imaginary friends and adventures for company. BMO has entire conversations with its alter ego, “Football”, its reflection in mirrors and windows. Other characters claim to like BMO, but it’s not like they visit, or ask BMO out on trips without Finn and Jake. BMO is horrendously lonely, creating a romance with a chicken just to keep from sobbing every time it’s Adventure Time, and lone-BMO time.
Kamelion (Doctor Who) – A second entry on the list for our favourite time-travelling show. Kamelion has an awful time of it. Firstly, he gets picked up as a souvenir by the Master, which isn’t the greatest start to life. But at least then he ends up living the life of a king in medieval England, until the Doctor comes along to spoil the fun. That’s fine, you might think – after all, the Doctor’s companions seem to have loads of fun, right? But not Kamelion. A shape-shifting robot probably would have come in useful on the Doctor’s adventures, but instead Kamelion is relegated to roaming the infinite corridors alone for five whole serials, without even a mention by the other members of Team TARDIS. He might supposedly beg for death in order to escape the Master’s influence, but we all know it’s because he’s tired of solitary confinement.
Which other robots are in desperate need of a hug? Let us know in the comments!
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