Enter Escape to the Country, the BBC’s daytime show dedicated to helping hard working people find the country house of their dreams. So what happens on this show? A couple or family is selected by the show, this couple or family will be wanting help and expertise in moving house into the country. They will give a list of requirements to the team, things like, we can’t spend more than this, we have to be this close to a school, we need a large driveway etc. (a list of requirements is something I am sure the team behind Escape to the Country never actually glance at, because every single house they show has some serious issue that usually prevents them from making an offer on it). The team will then show them three houses, two picked for them and one super spooky mystery house…
Now very recently I suffered an accident which left me with a rather nasty leg injury, as a result I spent a lot of time trapped at home with nothing to keep me company but the TV, so I watched rather a lot of this sort of Daytime TV, and one episode of this show wound me up more than anything else.
The show begins with a couple who have an idea of a dream house in mind, they go with the presenter to see the first house, they like it, but it’s very near to a main road and the noise puts them both off. On to house number two, this is a relatively good house, needs a bit of work doing but other than that it’s a good place, they put it on the maybe pile. Finally, the mystery house (woo… spooky…). This turns out to be just a regular house but one that’s considerably cheaper due to the fact that it is older than the couple put together and as such they’d need to spend a lot of money on it to make it liveable. So they then have an end of show interview asking if the presenters chose well and whether they would put an offer in, to which the couple reply “Yes we’ll really think about house two.” The bit which annoys me is here is the ending voice over which says “Dave and Kirsty didn’t put in an offer on House number two, but continued to live in the city…” WTF?! This annoyed me so much! I wasted 45 minutes of my life wondering vaguely which house they would choose, and they chose none of them. Why waste my bloody time then? I’d have been more entertained looking at pictures of wild monkeys for that time.
One thing left to mention, the presenters. These poor guys and girls are clearly taking whatever work is available to them, but no one can be that happy about visiting three houses and a pub in the countryside with some complete strangers whom chances are they hate anyway. All these ridiculous smiles, I’d like to see an episode of Escape to the Country where everyone was completely honest…
*Sigh* “And now off we go again to look at another fucking dilapidated shithole”
“Excuse me, that’s my future house you’re insulting!”
“Ahh shut up you bigoted old cow, and clean your teeth, you’ve got food sticking out of them and neither I nor any of my support team were brave enough to tell you. Oh, and if you mention the war again I will rip that wig off your overly polished head, grandma!”
So what can I say? Please, people let this show die. Just for gods sake when you want to move house, move fucking house! Don’t mess about phoning the BBC or Channel 4 or any other property selling show. Just get down to an estate agents, list your house, find your new one, complete the sale and most of all, have some dignity.