By Matthew Battles
If I could only have one multiple nerdgasm a year, I’m glad i was spent on the Saints Row franchise. While not giving anything away, the teaser trailer did just that. Perking my interest and building my excitement levels. Then came the kicker; coming August 2013! Cue the nerdgasm. Once the levels of pleasure had eased off, I began to think about it logically. Technically this isn’t Saints Row 4. What we’re getting was intended to be a DLC mini-game.
I’m fervently hoping that Deep Silver, who purchased the Saints Row franchise from ailing developers THQ earlier this year, spent a little time sprucing the title up before release. Here are just a few things on my wish-list that I hope make their way into the final game.
If I could only have one multiple nerdgasm a year, I’m glad i was spent on the Saints Row franchise. While not giving anything away, the teaser trailer did just that. Perking my interest and building my excitement levels. Then came the kicker; coming August 2013! Cue the nerdgasm. Once the levels of pleasure had eased off, I began to think about it logically. Technically this isn’t Saints Row 4. What we’re getting was intended to be a DLC mini-game.
I’m fervently hoping that Deep Silver, who purchased the Saints Row franchise from ailing developers THQ earlier this year, spent a little time sprucing the title up before release. Here are just a few things on my wish-list that I hope make their way into the final game.
Insanity
With each new release, the Saints Row titles have gotten that little bit wackier. In order to maintain this trend (and counter-balance the wrist-slashingly depressing GTA games) SR4 needs to be the straightjacket-wearing, feces-throwing fruitbat that never fails to make the party memorable! If the trailer, riddled with laser-cannons, guys dressed as monkeys and gargantuan soda cans, is anything to go by, we’re in for an all-out psychotic break with awesome music to boot!
With each new release, the Saints Row titles have gotten that little bit wackier. In order to maintain this trend (and counter-balance the wrist-slashingly depressing GTA games) SR4 needs to be the straightjacket-wearing, feces-throwing fruitbat that never fails to make the party memorable! If the trailer, riddled with laser-cannons, guys dressed as monkeys and gargantuan soda cans, is anything to go by, we’re in for an all-out psychotic break with awesome music to boot!
Double Penetration
Don’t worry, I haven’t lost the plot! I’m talking about double melee capabilities. The Penetrator (which was literally a giant schlong on a stick) was one of the funniest things about Saints Row 3 and I can only think of one thing better than one “giant wobbling dick” (Thanks Yahtzee!), and that’s TWO giant wobbling dicks to whack innocent passers-by into trees!
Don’t worry, I haven’t lost the plot! I’m talking about double melee capabilities. The Penetrator (which was literally a giant schlong on a stick) was one of the funniest things about Saints Row 3 and I can only think of one thing better than one “giant wobbling dick” (Thanks Yahtzee!), and that’s TWO giant wobbling dicks to whack innocent passers-by into trees!
Shaundi
When I say I want Shaundi back, I mean the real Shaundi - as expertly played by Eliza Dushku - and not the mardy-arsed wannabe from the last game.
In Saints Row 2, Shaundi was hip, fun and youthful - with a sexy voice to boot. Somewhere between the installments she was given a generic new look and a miserable personality to go with it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s demanding that that Saints Row bring sexy back!
When I say I want Shaundi back, I mean the real Shaundi - as expertly played by Eliza Dushku - and not the mardy-arsed wannabe from the last game.
In Saints Row 2, Shaundi was hip, fun and youthful - with a sexy voice to boot. Somewhere between the installments she was given a generic new look and a miserable personality to go with it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s demanding that that Saints Row bring sexy back!
Gat
Gat’s death was one of the most devastating things about Saints Row 3. As they’ve cloned him once already, would it be too much to ask that we get our favorite psychopath back?
If you really want to up the fun-factor, then you need a guy who’ll say this to a judge.
Gat’s death was one of the most devastating things about Saints Row 3. As they’ve cloned him once already, would it be too much to ask that we get our favorite psychopath back?
If you really want to up the fun-factor, then you need a guy who’ll say this to a judge.
Plus having him back might just be the thing to breath a little life into Shaundi!
Tag Team!
In the DLC release of The Trouble with Clones, the recently deceased Johnny Gat was brought back to life! Sort of. Gat came back as Tag; a gargantuan brute with no memories following the death of his lover Ayesha.
Now if we could have both of them back; Gat and Tag. The levels of fun that could be had would be through the roof!
If there’s one thing more fun than a bloodthirsty psychotic gangster, it’s a blood-thirsty psychotic gangster accompanied by his thirteen-foot, equally mental twin! Also the ‘dick-measuring’ banter between the two would be incredible!
In the DLC release of The Trouble with Clones, the recently deceased Johnny Gat was brought back to life! Sort of. Gat came back as Tag; a gargantuan brute with no memories following the death of his lover Ayesha.
Now if we could have both of them back; Gat and Tag. The levels of fun that could be had would be through the roof!
If there’s one thing more fun than a bloodthirsty psychotic gangster, it’s a blood-thirsty psychotic gangster accompanied by his thirteen-foot, equally mental twin! Also the ‘dick-measuring’ banter between the two would be incredible!
Fight Club
I’m breaking the two most important rules by bringing this up but it needs saying! Fight Club was one of the most entertaining sub-missions of Saints Row 2, but was heartbreakingly absent in it’s third installment.
Imagine this: You, dressed as a space pirate. Surrounded on all sides by monkey suits, gimps and superheroes. Nowhere to run and only one way out; Fight! What’s not to love?
I’m breaking the two most important rules by bringing this up but it needs saying! Fight Club was one of the most entertaining sub-missions of Saints Row 2, but was heartbreakingly absent in it’s third installment.
Imagine this: You, dressed as a space pirate. Surrounded on all sides by monkey suits, gimps and superheroes. Nowhere to run and only one way out; Fight! What’s not to love?
The Return of Androgeny
In Saints Row 2, gender wasn’t a set choice of male and female. Well it was, but you could bend the rules a little. with a simple slide, your muscle-bound thug could be packing more guns than his AK-47 or your murderous vixen’ll be supporting a rather suspicious lower bulge!
Saints Row 3 didn’t allow this. Why? I’m still not sure a year on. With the franchise as wacky as it already is, why do we have to conform to gender stereotypes? Let’s mix things up!
On a serious note, I’m a little apprehensive about this release. If it turns out that Deep Silver hasn’t put the work in to bulk up this DLC into a real contender in the game market, it could spell disaster for the game that, since quietly demanding our attention, has proved a ray of sunshine in such an otherwise drab and repetitive market. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Whether it can do it or not, I’ll keep you posted!
In Saints Row 2, gender wasn’t a set choice of male and female. Well it was, but you could bend the rules a little. with a simple slide, your muscle-bound thug could be packing more guns than his AK-47 or your murderous vixen’ll be supporting a rather suspicious lower bulge!
Saints Row 3 didn’t allow this. Why? I’m still not sure a year on. With the franchise as wacky as it already is, why do we have to conform to gender stereotypes? Let’s mix things up!
On a serious note, I’m a little apprehensive about this release. If it turns out that Deep Silver hasn’t put the work in to bulk up this DLC into a real contender in the game market, it could spell disaster for the game that, since quietly demanding our attention, has proved a ray of sunshine in such an otherwise drab and repetitive market. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Whether it can do it or not, I’ll keep you posted!
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