Since 2008, we have been actively watching an abundance of crap films – most commonly in our pyjamas with a hangover and a pizza. Sadly, after moving to opposite sides of London – out of the zones, and everything! – we found ourselves lacking the very necessary life skill that is talking utter bollocks about films that make no sense. Luckily for us (and you!) the internet exists. And so we have taken to scouring Netflix, syncing our play buttons, and watching together via the interweb.
On this occasion, we chose to watch The Crazies; a film that got super hyped up, before disappearing from everyone’s peripheral vision about three minutes after its release. It didn’t take long for us to see why. And without further ado – here’s us watching a film and talking bollocks.
(Note: Pop The Crazies on and read this article - heightens your viewing experience!)
The towns on fire already.
Georgia Thompson
That just looks like Southend whenever there's football on
Kerri Anne McNally
Two days earlier.
Southern American small town. Creepy song. Nothing's going to go wrong.
Georgia Thompson
Oh, you! She's such a joker
Kerri Anne McNally
ELEPHANT / Timothy Olyphant
Georgia Thompson
Didn't he play a pornstar in something?
Pornstars can't be the police.
FUCK. DUDE WITH GUN, DUDE WITH GUN
He looks a little crazy.
Elephant’s driving him crazy (*sings Britney to myself)
Georgia Thompson
Fuck...that's the thing!
Kerri Anne McNally
You are so right!
Georgia Thompson
Bitchslap!
Kerri Anne McNally
She slapped him up good!
Georgia Thompson
He had to do it. He had to shoot the town drunk. Coz of all the crazy.
Kerri Anne McNally
EVERYONE BLAME THE ALCOHOL.
Georgia Thompson
If you give a different inflection to that sentence it's far more fun
Let's shoot this town DRUNK
Oh hey, it's that scary bitch from earlier. Mrs Elephant.
PLOT.
Her being a doctor isn't going to come into play later is it?
Georgia Thompson
Nah. Coincidence bro.
He wasn't drunk oh em gee
Kerri Anne McNally
HE WASNT DRUNK. The town drunk wasn't drunk.
Georgia Thompson
He's the town sober
Fucksake Ben
Kerri Anne McNally
Uh oh. Ben looks a little out of it. HES THE NEXT TOWN DRUNK/SOBER.
Georgia Thompson
Maybe it's Bill!
These guys just seem like they're hungover
Kerri Anne McNally
“IM FINE.” Yeah he's not.
He's clearly taking lessons from Ross in Friends.
Georgia Thompson
So wait...the kids called bill?
The budget didn't stretch to original names
Kerri Anne McNally
It's southern America. They're all named Bill.
Georgia Thompson
Oh wait. His names Nicholas.
Same diff.
Urh. Shit.
This bitch is about to get murdered by a Wurzel
Kerri Anne McNally
Yep. I smell blood a splattering...
Georgia Thompson
Who the fuck turned on the combine harvester?
Oh. The kid’s in trouble.
This is getting crazy.
Or not.
Georgia Thompson
HAHISEEWHATYOUDIDTHERE
Surely it's too early for grizzly murders
It's all Lewton buses this early on
Kerri Anne McNally
Not according to Scream. Somebody should have died horribly by now.
Georgia Thompson
Why are murderers always so heavy footed on the stairs?
Yet they can move silently in tense moments
SEE
Kerri Anne McNally
They all have a certain set of skills, like Bryan Mills.
Is that gasoline?
ARSON.
Georgia Thompson
VWOMPH fire
Kerri Anne McNally
Family go chargrill.
Georgia Thompson
That's flame grill surely
Kerri Anne McNally
Doc said he was fine.
Georgia Thompson
Clearly her fault
She should blame herself
"He was mowing the goddamn lawn" AT NIGHT MR FIREMAN? Please.
Whistling. That's not creepy.
Georgia Thompson
Someone's washing has blown away
Kerri Anne McNally
No no, that's a corpse.
Attached to someone's bedsheets as a parachute.
Georgia Thompson
Well, that's not what you want
Kerri Anne McNally
Why do southern Americans love the phrase "goddamn"?
Georgia Thompson
Coz they're goddamn Americans and they say what they goddamn like
Kerri Anne McNally
Lake Placid?
How the fuck did no one notice a plane crash?
Kerri Anne McNally
Errrrr, the whole town was at the baseball game?
Georgia Thompson
Oh totes
Wow, Elephant figured that out pretty quickly
Plane crash? Well clearly the drinking water is turning everyone into murderes. Duh.
Kerri Anne McNally
Elephant is a clever pornstar sheriff.
Georgia Thompson
Bow chicka bow bow
Kerri Anne McNally
Yeah the mayor isn't going to regret that decision any time soon is he?
Georgia Thompson
It's cool, elephant turned the water off against his wishes. He gon' be maaaaad
Kerri Anne McNally
Crazy Bill looks a little worse for wear. I think he was on the jägerbombs last night.
Georgia Thompson
THE INTERNET IS DOWN
Ahhhhhhh!!! NOW this film is scary!
Kerri Anne McNally
NO SIGNAL. NO WIFI. Shits about to go down.
Georgia Thompson
The creepy song that chick on the bike is singing. We used to sing that in assembly.
Kerri Anne McNally
Well, you're obviously crazy.
As was your whole school.
Georgia Thompson
We did all murder people.
The morgue.
Who wants a bet that one of these bodies isn't dead?
Georgia Thompson
Well one of them is groaning
Kerri Anne McNally
YES! Called it.
It's the priest!
Georgia Thompson
FUCK! The morgue guy is crazy!
Kerri Anne McNally
Elephants about to get his head sawn in half.
Georgia Thompson
Bone saw anyone?
AHHH it's going for elephants nuts!
Kerri Anne McNally
Elephant just murdered the mortician. Who's gonna do the autopsy on him?
Oooh burn, that’s your wife Elephant! "Yeah well, I'm the sheriff, if it turns out they just need penicillin I'll call you"
Georgia Thompson
Nice one deputy moustache
So I have a question
If only a handful of people are crazy
Where's the rest of the town?
Dead?
Georgia Thompson
Lazy fuckers
Kerri Anne McNally
Binge watching breaking bad?
Georgia Thompson
Hahaha sounds likely
Kerri Anne McNally
OR taken by these army people that have just un-expectantly turned up.
Georgia Thompson
Well , this got pretty real pretty quickly
OH NO MRS DOCTOR ELEPHANT HAS THE CRAZIES
Kerri Anne McNally
This reminds me of ET.
Except a little more crazy.
She's pregnant!
Georgia Thompson
And a bit less aliens
Kerri Anne McNally
That kid is gonna be a chest burster.
Georgia Thompson
Uhoh
Kerri Anne McNally
Why has a gun fight just erupted?
Georgia Thompson
Because plot
Kerri Anne McNally
Right.
Gotcha.
Elephant is really good at disappearing like a serial killer.
Maybe it'll turn out he's actually the one responsible and is a complete and utter nutcase.
Georgia Thompson
Maybe he is a serial killer. Plot twist, elephant was already a psycho killer
Kerri Anne McNally
We called it.
Georgia Thompson
Deputy moustache! Yay!
Kerri Anne McNally
Deputy moustache is gonna die.
Police never end up well in horrors, especially awesome moustached ones.
Georgia Thompson
Creepy clown laughter. Super.
Kerri Anne McNally
PITCHFORK
He has a pitchfork!
Warning, warning! Crazy man with a pitchfork!
Georgia Thompson
It kinda feels like...they wrote down a lot of stuff that should happen....then just threw it at the wall...and whatever stuck, that's what they did.
Kerri Anne McNally
Yep. I agree. And also. PITCHFORK.
Georgia Thompson
Regardless of how much sense it makes in context.
Pitchfork in the belly!
That's gotta take some serious upper body strength. Does he even lift?
Kerri Anne McNally
So why is he pitchforking everyone? – That sounded kinda sexual.
Georgia Thompson
Oh. Shouting NO stops them. How has no one else figured this out?
Just say no to pitch forking
Kerri Anne McNally
Shit. Doc just saved the girl but he's coming for her hay now.
And baby hay.
ELEPHANT!
Georgia Thompson
Cracking timing sheriff elephant!
Kerri Anne McNally
IVE JUST REMEBERED WHERE I KNOW DOCS SIDEKICK FROM. It's her from The Flash!
Georgia Thompson
PUNCHING FUCKING BINS
They're so cray cray
Kerri Anne McNally
I wonder how much their pyro budget was.
Georgia Thompson
Significantly more than their script budget apparently
Kerri Anne McNally
"Looks deserted" yeah, it won't be.
Shit. Are we only one hour in?
The Army's back.
Scotty’s mum has got the crazies going on!
If the disease is airborne why isn't everyone crazy?
Georgia Thompson
I told you, because plot
She's putting the washing away!
Kerri Anne McNally
Ohhh.
I think she's gone a little crazy.
Oh totes emosh scene. "It was for the baby"
Oh shit
There's a crazy in the nursery
Kerri Anne McNally
How long do you think she's been standing in the corner?
Georgia Thompson
Urh, who has a fully decorated nursery before they even start to show?
A really fucking long time
STABBYHANDS
Oh shit it's the family of the first guy! PLOT EVERYWHERE.
Kerri Anne McNally
OH! ITS TOWN DRUNK/SOBER'S FAMALAM
"You crazy bitch" < great writing there.
Georgia Thompson
Well now Elephant's definitely gonna get the crazies.
That's how fools get aids bro.
Kerri Anne McNally
DEPUTY MOUSTACHE. He's awesome.
Georgia Thompson
He is. I heart him. And his furry face friend
Kerri Anne McNally
And he's logical.
Georgia Thompson
Why are they pissed coz he double tapped? Haven't they seen Zombieland?
Kerri Anne McNally
You always shoot people multiple times in horrors. Or they come back. God. It's like they've never seen a scary movie before.
Georgia Thompson
Uhoh. Becca has the coughs.
Kerri Anne McNally
The Flash lady is definitely sick.
Georgia Thompson
HELICHOPPER CHASE
Kerri Anne McNally
Do you think they're trying to tell us something about the American military?
Elephants getting angry.
FUCK. THEYRE GONNA WASH THEIR CAR.
Kerri Anne McNally
Is this really the right time to wash the car?
They're right though, those car washes are really scary.
Georgia Thompson
Pussy
Well shit. These guys are crazy too.
There's definitely a theme developing.
Kerri Anne McNally
Really? I don't get it.
Georgia Thompson
AHHH there's a guy in the roof
Oh. Sucks to be Becca.
Kerri Anne McNally
Oh. The Flash lady was just hanged. Guess nobody was fast enough to save her eh?
Georgia Thompson
LOL
CAR GO BOOM
That was definitely necessary and totally made sense. NAHT.
Kerri Anne McNally
Next to go: Deputy Moustache.
Georgia Thompson
Nooooo I love him
Kerri Anne McNally
They're so evenly paced, slow walking down a dusty road. It's like it was choreographed.
Georgia Thompson
Well what did he do that for!? How will they steal the car now!?
Kerri Anne McNally
CRAY.
Told you.
Georgia Thompson
Biological warfare. Fucking goon'mint
LOL
Deputy moustache shot him in the head
Cray cray moustache
Kerri Anne McNally
Stabilise a population. By making them crazy and homicidal. Yeah that's logical.
How dare you speak ill of this delicate script?!
Kerri Anne McNally
And not at all likely to go wrong.
Uh oh.
Moustache and Elephant are about to wrestle.
Georgia Thompson
His eyes are beautiful
Kerri Anne McNally
Crazy.
But beautiful.
Georgia Thompson
So blue
Kerri Anne McNally
Oh they're back to evenly paced slow walking down a dusty road.
Georgia Thompson
Don't shoot deputy moustache, Elephant!
When the sun goes in he's fine. Weird. That might be a helpful discovery.
Kerri Anne McNally
Elephant can't shoot him. He's too busy staring into his beautiful big blue eyes.
PLOT.
Georgia Thompson
Have you noticed
That this film is terrible?
Kerri Anne McNally
Yes.
Georgia Thompson
It's subtle but it's there.
Kerri Anne McNally
I may have.
It makes no sense.
The deputy has been redeemed for his slight craziness so he must die now.
PLOT LOGIC.
Georgia Thompson
But pitchfork guy was crazy in the dark
Pretty gaping plot hole
NOOOOO DEPUTY MOUSTACHE!
The best thing about the film has just died. And with him, so does the film.
What's the betting baby mama doc has the crazies and she spreads its across the lands?
Georgia Thompson
Look at all that monster
NOM
Anyone for a can of product placement?
Kerri Anne McNally
Me please!
How do we still have twenty minutes left?
Georgia Thompson
More utter nonsense needs to happen
Kerri Anne McNally
Deputy moustaches swan song should have been it. And then an epilogue about baby mama doc spreading it worldwide. Credits roll. Bam.
But no.
Georgia Thompson
We could so write films.
They'd be chockablock full of plot
Kerri Anne McNally
ANGST SCENE: NOTHING IS GOING TO BE OK. Until it is. At the end.
Georgia Thompson
Makeout sesh
Kerri Anne McNally
LOOTING. The sheriff is looting.
Georgia Thompson
Like you wouldn't
Kerri Anne McNally
It's true. I'd be right up in Argos' grill stealing George Formans.
OHNO. Another crazy standing creepily in the background. There hasn't been enough of that.
Kerri Anne McNally
I didn't even notice him.
Georgia Thompson
Truck full of dead guys
Kerri Anne McNally
The lights have just turned off.
Classic move.
That guy has obviously watched horror films.
Clearly his violence stems from watching too many of those.
And playing call of duty.
Georgia Thompson
It's them violent video games.
Kerri Anne McNally
A blonde woman running around in the dark from a psychotic killer. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE ON FILM.
Historic moment right now.
Georgia Thompson
It's groundbreaking is what it is.
Kerri Anne McNally
Since when did the crazies turn into a slasher flick?
Georgia Thompson
Since they ran out of ideas
Throw enough shit at the wall some of its bound to stick
Kerri Anne McNally
Yes screaming loudly won't let the crazy / Michael Myers know where you are.
OF COURSE THE TRUCK KEYS DONT WORK.
Oooh blonde one has balls. She shot Crazy hilbilly in the head.
"Let's get the fuck outta here" best plan they've had all movie.
Georgia Thompson
Hahaha
BOOM
No more town
Kerri Anne McNally
Shocking CGI.
Georgia Thompson
They're gonna be full of all the radiations now
Oh. Or dead from being blown up.
Kerri Anne McNally
I should have followed my cat’s advice and had a nap.
Oh. Look. They're targeting the next town Mr and Mrs Elephant are going to. I'll bet that's to set up Crazies Two right?
I think that’s such a good idea.
NOT.
Georgia Thompson
Hahaha
Oh my fucking god it's still going
It's over. Thank fuck. That was horrendous.
George a Romero!? Oh the shame, George.
Kerri Anne McNally
That's credit sting though! OMG. Marvel could learn a thing or two.
:|
Georgia Thompson
Ok. It's over. Now let us never speak of it again.