Greedo shoots first.
I witnessed this particular cinematic atrocity watching the re-release of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope at the fantabulous Zeigfeld Theater in NYC. If George Lucas has been in the row in front of me, I would have leaved over and throttled him. The rest of the groaning geeks in the theater would have held him down for me. At the very least he would have gone home with a popcorn bucket wedged on his head and a box of Raisnettes shoved up his ass.
Which brings me to Hitchcock's The Birds. As much as I hate to admit it, this is actually a film that could benefit from a 21st century digital upgrade. It hurts. Hurts to say it.
The Birds is an amazing film. I know its considered a minor entry in the Hitchcock pantheon, but see it again. Not only is it a masterfully constructed film (the cut to the wide shot over Bodega Bay as the seagulls come in for the attack is literally breath-taking) but it has one of the coolest cineast geekout moments in film history. It comes at the end of the first big bird attack on the town. We're in the local diner where Tippi Hedron's Melanie has taken refuge. One of the locals, a harried housewife, turns on Melanie and says "this is your fault. This didn't start happening until you arrived." Trouble is, the lady isn't looking at Melanie. She's looking right into the camera. At us. The audience. Blaming us for her woes. The characters on screen pissed at the audience's bloodlust. Mind blowing.
Could the kind of people who put a tiger on a lifeboat also clean up and render more convincing these dated special effects? And should they? Is it right to mess with Hitchcock's vision? Maybe he liked the artificiality of it. And even with the crude FX, The Birds is scary as fuck. if the FX were fixed, maybe then it would be too scary. I mean we're not trying to kill any viewers here. (Though I suspect that housewife in the diner might not be opposed to the idea.)
I say yes. I would love to see The Birds, as an alternate version existing separately from the original, given a digital makeover.
Sadly, what I'm getting is something else as the latest news is that Michael Bay may be producing a remake of The Birds.
I know, I know, Michael Bay. But he's not on board to direct, and he has been producing some less, shall we say, Michael Bayish horror flicks, including a very uneccessary remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (And if there is one movie in existence that does not need to be remade it is TCM. Chainsaw will forever stand on its own as a completely original work. No Hollywood crew with their overtime, meal penalties, script supervisors and really, really nice hotel rooms or Winnebagos for the actors will ever be able to match the raw, balls to the walls aggressiveness of the original, which was made in circumstances so brutal the desperation of all involved leaches off the screen and into your soul.)
So that's the glowing ember of hope in my chest. But there's also a big-ass bucket of cold water ready to dump on it because I know exactly how this could go terribly, terribly wrong.
It's bad special effects.
Much as Hollywood doesn't want to hear this, there are many special effects in today's movies that are just as bad-looking as the worst The Birds has to offer. The Infected in I Am Legend comes to mind. the digital revolution has produced some truly atrocious effects. There is every chance that a Birds remake will replace rear-projection and crudely matted birds with just as shitting CGI.
There is also a tendency in modern horror films to go big, more birds, bigger birds, angrier birds. This temptation could easily lead to disaster. Hitchcock's Birds is so effective because of how restrained it is. How simple. How small. How intimate.
Michael Bay does not have a reputation for any of those qualities. (And do not get me wrong, I have nothing against him. I have loved several of his movies. I've also listened to some of his DVD commentaries and he is a smart, smart man who knows a crapload about moviemaking.)
The solution is obvious. A Gus Van Sant style shot for shot remake of the original only with better special effects. Now that, my friends, would be great.
But I'm not holding my breath. .