By Graham Osborne
Well, this shouldn’t take too long.
Piranha 3D is quite possibly the worst piece of garbage ever committed to cinema. The only redeeming quality is that it ends, not well mind you, but an ending nonetheless.
The film was produced solely to try and sell 3D to the masses, and it failed. Instead, the producers and writers obviously decided to throw all the money they were given for the production towards boobs, blood and bad scripting. After deciding that the 3D element would be given over entirely to showing dismembered penises and breasts, everyone apparently decided to celebrate with as much alcohol as possible. Then they turned up for filming the next day whilst suffering the biggest hangover since the aftermath of Sodom and Gomorrah. That is the only conclusion I can come to as to how this film came to be.
Well, this shouldn’t take too long.
Piranha 3D is quite possibly the worst piece of garbage ever committed to cinema. The only redeeming quality is that it ends, not well mind you, but an ending nonetheless.
The film was produced solely to try and sell 3D to the masses, and it failed. Instead, the producers and writers obviously decided to throw all the money they were given for the production towards boobs, blood and bad scripting. After deciding that the 3D element would be given over entirely to showing dismembered penises and breasts, everyone apparently decided to celebrate with as much alcohol as possible. Then they turned up for filming the next day whilst suffering the biggest hangover since the aftermath of Sodom and Gomorrah. That is the only conclusion I can come to as to how this film came to be.
The film centres around Jake Forester, a student back for spring break, who is asked by an ahem online purveyor of gentleman’s videos to show them around the lake for good locations while Kelly Brook and her lovely lady friend perform actions that would make Mother Theresa blush.
Naturally, this film is called Piranha, so obviously the entire film would be rather missing the point if they didn’t show up during the proceedings. An underwater fissure opens up and spews the man-eating little blighters out into the lakes. The story that follows is the plot for Jaws, but weaker and with more fish. Forester gets trapped on a sinking boat right in the middle of it all, along with his younger brother and sister, the girl he fancies, two porn stars and the director and cameraman for a Girls Gone Wild site. The director is also the biggest prat known to mankind. With every other word out of his mouth being either a swearword, sexual position/terminology or how big of a narcissistic little tit he is. Seriously, his last words in the film are “wet t-shirt” (also, he gets his penis eaten by the fish, and we are shown a delightful shot of a shoddily rendered CG cock getting mauled as it sinks to the lake bed).
Naturally, this film is called Piranha, so obviously the entire film would be rather missing the point if they didn’t show up during the proceedings. An underwater fissure opens up and spews the man-eating little blighters out into the lakes. The story that follows is the plot for Jaws, but weaker and with more fish. Forester gets trapped on a sinking boat right in the middle of it all, along with his younger brother and sister, the girl he fancies, two porn stars and the director and cameraman for a Girls Gone Wild site. The director is also the biggest prat known to mankind. With every other word out of his mouth being either a swearword, sexual position/terminology or how big of a narcissistic little tit he is. Seriously, his last words in the film are “wet t-shirt” (also, he gets his penis eaten by the fish, and we are shown a delightful shot of a shoddily rendered CG cock getting mauled as it sinks to the lake bed).
Some of these things that I’ve mentioned so far could almost be ignored as campy schlock horror attempts. But then you suddenly realise that Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd both appear in the film. Dreyfuss, if you don’t know him, is one of the actors from Jaws which, as previously mentioned, is the main influence on the film (and a film which still has me scared to go swimming in the sea!) His appearance in this film is short and sweet (he’s the first to get killed by the piranha), but still leaves a slight dirty feeling that won’t come off after numerous showers. Christopher Lloyd’s appearance as a scientist just feels as though he’s phoning it in as a retired Emmet Brown who has stopped the time travelling capers with his family. He still has an energy that isn’t seen in the other characters within the film, but it seems as if he’s the only person who read the script and saw it for what it was.
All in all, Piranha 3D was an unnecessary remake of a parody, done for the flimsiest excuses possible. I dread to think what the sequel is like....
All in all, Piranha 3D was an unnecessary remake of a parody, done for the flimsiest excuses possible. I dread to think what the sequel is like....
Yikes.
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