by Matthew Howe
Dear Santa,
I know you're as avid a movie buff as I am (after all, those long nights at the North Pole must get kind of boring. And since you've known all the elves for a few hundred years, I would guess you're heard all their comedic industrial accident stories by now.) Here are a few cinema-related requests I humbly submit for your consideration:
Dear Santa,
I know you're as avid a movie buff as I am (after all, those long nights at the North Pole must get kind of boring. And since you've known all the elves for a few hundred years, I would guess you're heard all their comedic industrial accident stories by now.) Here are a few cinema-related requests I humbly submit for your consideration:
1. I want Peter Jackson to make a movie without hobbits, trolls, wizards or any other fantasy creatures. (With an exception made for pornographic muppets.) More, he has to make this film without the use of any 3D, greenscreen, motion capture or CGI technology. Physical effects are fine.
Not only that, but no cranes, dollies, steadicams or other such devices. Let's just give him an Arriflex Alexa, tripod and five prime lenses of his choosing. If he wants to move the camera, he has to do it handheld.
2. I want Ray Liotta to play a good guy in something. It's getting so boring. You watch a movie, Ray Liotta shows up, and you know something very, very bad is going to happen soon.
3. Tim Burton and Gore Verbinsky both have to make their next three films without Johnny Depp.
4. While I am normally against the altering of a masterpiece, I'd love it if someone could re-do the effects in Hitchcock's The Birds and bring them up to current standards. Then again, that movie is already so terrifying even with the crude effects that making them realistic could actually kill people. Your call on this one.
5. Please make all copies of The Watch disappear from the face of the earth.
6. Please give David Cronenberg 200 million dollars to make his next movie. It doesn't matter what it is, it could be David Cronenberg's My Little Pony, it'll be brilliant.
7. One more film from John Carpenter, please. I know he sucks, but he sucks in such a spectacular fashion.
Not only that, but no cranes, dollies, steadicams or other such devices. Let's just give him an Arriflex Alexa, tripod and five prime lenses of his choosing. If he wants to move the camera, he has to do it handheld.
2. I want Ray Liotta to play a good guy in something. It's getting so boring. You watch a movie, Ray Liotta shows up, and you know something very, very bad is going to happen soon.
3. Tim Burton and Gore Verbinsky both have to make their next three films without Johnny Depp.
4. While I am normally against the altering of a masterpiece, I'd love it if someone could re-do the effects in Hitchcock's The Birds and bring them up to current standards. Then again, that movie is already so terrifying even with the crude effects that making them realistic could actually kill people. Your call on this one.
5. Please make all copies of The Watch disappear from the face of the earth.
6. Please give David Cronenberg 200 million dollars to make his next movie. It doesn't matter what it is, it could be David Cronenberg's My Little Pony, it'll be brilliant.
7. One more film from John Carpenter, please. I know he sucks, but he sucks in such a spectacular fashion.
8. Quentin Tarintino has to make a silent film with no dialogue-title cards. Moreover, he cannot use any pre-existing music whatsoever.
9. Abel Ferrara's next film needs to have Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken and William Shatner in it.
10. We need a remake of the brilliant 1973 British horror film Theater of Blood. As you no doubt know, that movie is amazing, only inches away from being a true masterpiece. I know Vincent Price is no longer with us, but I have the perfect actor to play the over-the-top, hammy Shakespearian actor murdering his critics with methods cribbed from The Bard's plays: Al Pacino!
11. A gritty, black and white, handheld, doc-style war movie from Wes Anderson.
12. A five-year moratorium on zombies.
13. Guillermo del Toro has to make another film on the level of Pan's Labyrinth. Please crush any plans there might be for him to direct a Pacific Rim sequel.
14. Prometheus 2. Please, Santa, Prometheus 2.
As you can see, these gifts really aren't for me, they're for the world.
Say hi to the elves and reindeers for me, and enjoy the cookies I'm leaving out.
What would your Christmas Cinema Wish List Be?
9. Abel Ferrara's next film needs to have Harvey Keitel, Christopher Walken and William Shatner in it.
10. We need a remake of the brilliant 1973 British horror film Theater of Blood. As you no doubt know, that movie is amazing, only inches away from being a true masterpiece. I know Vincent Price is no longer with us, but I have the perfect actor to play the over-the-top, hammy Shakespearian actor murdering his critics with methods cribbed from The Bard's plays: Al Pacino!
11. A gritty, black and white, handheld, doc-style war movie from Wes Anderson.
12. A five-year moratorium on zombies.
13. Guillermo del Toro has to make another film on the level of Pan's Labyrinth. Please crush any plans there might be for him to direct a Pacific Rim sequel.
14. Prometheus 2. Please, Santa, Prometheus 2.
As you can see, these gifts really aren't for me, they're for the world.
Say hi to the elves and reindeers for me, and enjoy the cookies I'm leaving out.
What would your Christmas Cinema Wish List Be?
RSS Feed
