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Wolverine (click for source) By Jacob H Baxter
By our very nature, comic fans are a fickle and opinionated lot. We're more than happy to rattle off a list pertaining to the things we love about a specific character. We're also likely to, at the drop of a hat mind you, go on a tirade about why we hate a certain character. It’s like some sort of rooted core programming in our heads.
My opinions have often put me at odds with many of my fellow page turners. That’s perfectly fine. They have just as much a right to their opinion as I have to mine. However, some of my opinions have sparked some bigger flames than one might expect.
By our very nature, comic fans are a fickle and opinionated lot. We're more than happy to rattle off a list pertaining to the things we love about a specific character. We're also likely to, at the drop of a hat mind you, go on a tirade about why we hate a certain character. It’s like some sort of rooted core programming in our heads.
My opinions have often put me at odds with many of my fellow page turners. That’s perfectly fine. They have just as much a right to their opinion as I have to mine. However, some of my opinions have sparked some bigger flames than one might expect.
Cesare Romero's Joker (click for source) My top three burning issues have taken the flame level and cranked it to 11. Most people love the character Snake Eyes in GI JOE. While I am a huge fan of the franchise, I hate that particular character. I'm not that big on silent characters to begin with. Why does a modern army need a ninja? If you want a ninja story, go read about Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo. You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, not Teenage Mutant Army Turtles.
Secondly, I seem to be the only person on this planet that hated the Nolanverse Batman movies. I realize that he is the Dark Knight and all. But, those movies were just so gritty and depressing. I still refer to the lead actor as Christian Fail. Bruce Wayne has a massive fortune. I'm pretty sure he can afford a cough drop. And, while I am saddened that Heath Ledger lost his life, it doesn't change my opinion that he was the worst Joker. I highly doubt that anyone will ever de-throne Cesar Romero from the top slot. Many thought that he and the 1966 television series in general was too campy. But, his exaggerated movements and laughing while he walked were what sold him to me. Ledger's portrayal was like that of an almost sedated meth junkie.
Since I've probably managed to draw the ire of almost everyone reading this by now, let's go ahead and knock it out of the park with my number one grievance... I hate Wolverine. Why do I hate him? Let me count the ways.
First of all, I find his powers to be pretty lame. He's got steak knives sticking out of his hands. Wow! Those come in pretty handy when dealing with hand-to-hand combat. However, never bring a knife to a gunfight. Those are completely useless if he can't get close to somebody. He can do his famous crouch, pop his claws, and growl all he wants to. But, he's still extremely limited in his attack range. Besides, he always looks constipated when he does that. Apparently he's been losing the fight against Sgt Dookie for years now.
Secondly, I seem to be the only person on this planet that hated the Nolanverse Batman movies. I realize that he is the Dark Knight and all. But, those movies were just so gritty and depressing. I still refer to the lead actor as Christian Fail. Bruce Wayne has a massive fortune. I'm pretty sure he can afford a cough drop. And, while I am saddened that Heath Ledger lost his life, it doesn't change my opinion that he was the worst Joker. I highly doubt that anyone will ever de-throne Cesar Romero from the top slot. Many thought that he and the 1966 television series in general was too campy. But, his exaggerated movements and laughing while he walked were what sold him to me. Ledger's portrayal was like that of an almost sedated meth junkie.
Since I've probably managed to draw the ire of almost everyone reading this by now, let's go ahead and knock it out of the park with my number one grievance... I hate Wolverine. Why do I hate him? Let me count the ways.
First of all, I find his powers to be pretty lame. He's got steak knives sticking out of his hands. Wow! Those come in pretty handy when dealing with hand-to-hand combat. However, never bring a knife to a gunfight. Those are completely useless if he can't get close to somebody. He can do his famous crouch, pop his claws, and growl all he wants to. But, he's still extremely limited in his attack range. Besides, he always looks constipated when he does that. Apparently he's been losing the fight against Sgt Dookie for years now.
Storm (click for source) Furthermore, how many gags are we going to see involving the claws? He's put his fist underneath someone's chin and threatened to pop the middle one how many times now? I could go without ever seeing another claw enhanced flipping of the bird as well.
But, he's got this accelerated healing powers you say. I've always had a theory about that as well. What if I told you that one of the X-Men could kill Wolverine in a fight without taking a single hit? Who could? Storm could. All she would need to do is fly high enough to be out of his jumping range. That renders those oh so famous claws useless. Or, does it? As a matter of fact, it turns them against him. They are coated in adamantium, which is a metal. While he's on the ground screaming, yelling, growling, and unable to use those claws, she, at her leisure, can call up a lightning storm and take pop shots at him. There's nothing he can do, except hide. Eventually Storm could even wear away any shelter he may try to seek. Once he is completely exposed, she can really start lighting him up like a Christmas tree.
Now, about that healing factor, and how it is rendered useless in this scenario. To my knowledge, he has an accelerated healing factor. That means he has the same healing properties that we normal humans do, just faster, right? Well, if that is the case, he is an easy goner. There is only one type of cell in the body that cannot be healed. That distinction goes to the brain cell. So, every time that he gets hit by a lightning bolt, the shock goes up his spine. But, so does the heat that comes with it. Eventually, his brain would begin to boil. Unable to heal those cells, Storm would drop him like a sack of mouldy taters before he even knew what happened, with not a single hair harmed on her head. So, he's not the invincible swath of destruction that everyone thinks he is.
My biggest complaint however, is in reference to the movie franchise. He got way too much screen time and emphasis put on him. In my opinion, he's the Tim Tebow of the Marvel universe. He wasn't even a charter member of the X-Men, yet he was right there in the first three movies. I don't even know why X-Men was even in the title. All three should have read something like ‘Wolverine - The Coolest Guy Ever Oh, And These X-Men Wannabes That He's Cool Enough To Let Hang Out With Him’. Yeah, it’s a long title. But, to me, it’s a fitting one. The only reason I even watched his first origin story was because I heard that Gambit and Deadpool were making appearances. That was the tease of the century. Gambit was a watered down shell of himself. And Deadpool, I mean Baraka? Don't even get me started on how bad they messed up their appearances. Someone needs to get the script guys a dictionary and tell them to look up the word canon. Because, they obviously don't currently know it.
I really thought that First Class was going to be different. Nope. Poster boy Jimmy had to weasel his way into it as well. Days of Future Past was disappointing too. Wolverine wasn't sent back by Forge. But, it was written in the movie that he did. I guess he threatened to go pout in his trailer if he didn't get screen time in an X-Men related movie. Seriously, he does not need that much screen time.
OK, I'm going to get off of my soapbox now. Hopefully I won't receive any death threats from over-zealous fan boys. I do hope I at least entertained with the witty banter. We all have our likes and dislikes. They can lead to some interesting debates from time to time. What characters get under your skin?
But, he's got this accelerated healing powers you say. I've always had a theory about that as well. What if I told you that one of the X-Men could kill Wolverine in a fight without taking a single hit? Who could? Storm could. All she would need to do is fly high enough to be out of his jumping range. That renders those oh so famous claws useless. Or, does it? As a matter of fact, it turns them against him. They are coated in adamantium, which is a metal. While he's on the ground screaming, yelling, growling, and unable to use those claws, she, at her leisure, can call up a lightning storm and take pop shots at him. There's nothing he can do, except hide. Eventually Storm could even wear away any shelter he may try to seek. Once he is completely exposed, she can really start lighting him up like a Christmas tree.
Now, about that healing factor, and how it is rendered useless in this scenario. To my knowledge, he has an accelerated healing factor. That means he has the same healing properties that we normal humans do, just faster, right? Well, if that is the case, he is an easy goner. There is only one type of cell in the body that cannot be healed. That distinction goes to the brain cell. So, every time that he gets hit by a lightning bolt, the shock goes up his spine. But, so does the heat that comes with it. Eventually, his brain would begin to boil. Unable to heal those cells, Storm would drop him like a sack of mouldy taters before he even knew what happened, with not a single hair harmed on her head. So, he's not the invincible swath of destruction that everyone thinks he is.
My biggest complaint however, is in reference to the movie franchise. He got way too much screen time and emphasis put on him. In my opinion, he's the Tim Tebow of the Marvel universe. He wasn't even a charter member of the X-Men, yet he was right there in the first three movies. I don't even know why X-Men was even in the title. All three should have read something like ‘Wolverine - The Coolest Guy Ever Oh, And These X-Men Wannabes That He's Cool Enough To Let Hang Out With Him’. Yeah, it’s a long title. But, to me, it’s a fitting one. The only reason I even watched his first origin story was because I heard that Gambit and Deadpool were making appearances. That was the tease of the century. Gambit was a watered down shell of himself. And Deadpool, I mean Baraka? Don't even get me started on how bad they messed up their appearances. Someone needs to get the script guys a dictionary and tell them to look up the word canon. Because, they obviously don't currently know it.
I really thought that First Class was going to be different. Nope. Poster boy Jimmy had to weasel his way into it as well. Days of Future Past was disappointing too. Wolverine wasn't sent back by Forge. But, it was written in the movie that he did. I guess he threatened to go pout in his trailer if he didn't get screen time in an X-Men related movie. Seriously, he does not need that much screen time.
OK, I'm going to get off of my soapbox now. Hopefully I won't receive any death threats from over-zealous fan boys. I do hope I at least entertained with the witty banter. We all have our likes and dislikes. They can lead to some interesting debates from time to time. What characters get under your skin?
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