We live in a tough economy today. And, other than guys like Booster Gold, the superhero gig isn't exactly a high paying one. I mean, other than guys like Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark, most heroes probably struggle to make ends meet. Can you imagine how much shampoo Beast goes through? But, there is hope. Most of our beloved heroes and villains could cash in on their notoriety by utilizing that time honored tradition that all of us commercialized consumers love and adore; endorsing a product. If George Foreman can sell a grille, I know Johnny Storm can!
OK, who couldn't see this one coming? Seems pretty straight up to me. Sure, Bruce doesn't exactly need the cash. But, he would most likely see it as another chance to make some green for charity.
9- Iron Man. McDonalds
Ronald McDonald is a little outdated but still a classic kids icon. But, why not pander to a hipper crowd? Iron Man already sports the colours. Much like our previous entrant, Tony doesn't need to do this. I'm also sure he'll donate the proceeds to charity. But, there is also one other driving force that would convince him to partake in the burger shilling. The one thing that all egomaniacs seek more than anything else... attention. I should know, because I am one.
8- Spider-Man. Can Am
Swinging around NYC and other various locales might be pretty fun. But after half a century, it probably doesn't appeal as much to Peter Parker as it used to. The Spider-Mobile didn't last that long. Time to update his transportation. The Spyder model is a perfect fit for our friendly neighborhood webhead.
Steve Rogers loves motorcycles. And, what brand is more synonymous with American badassery and awesomeness? Harley Davidson is friends and neighbors! Cap loves that old school styling. They go together like bacon and cheeseburger!
6- Blue Beetle. Volkswagen
Rounding out a trio of vehicular endorsement is DC's favourite insect hero. VW's flagship model is known the world over as a classic and enduring line. So, it's not exactly like it needs help selling. But, hey, why not? The ass ends of last generation Beetle's looked just like a Pikachu. So, slap a BB style paint scheme on and tint those headlights yellow. Instant Superhero car!
5- Gambit. Bicycle
Remy LeBeau is best known for his ability to kinetically charge objects to be used as explosive devices. WOAH! Wait a tick! So, that means he's been making IED's all these years and no one has put him on a terrorist watch list? That was a bad attempt at a joke that never fully materialized. But, I'm sure his endorsement Bicycle playing cards would materialize some credits in their bank account. I can almost hear his Cajun accent now. “Bicycle, Mon Amis, nothing blows up better!”
Although they have so many other qualities and desirable traits, ask most people what sticks out the most about comic book heroines and what will they say? Their boobs. So, to that I say, smoke them if you've got them and flaunt what your momma gave you. Diana already has the name, so why not cash in on it?
3- The Punisher
Basically any firearm manufacturer in existence – If it lacerates, detonates, or incinerates; Frank Castle is most likely well versed in it's operation and a highly qualified spokesman.
2- Optimus Prime. International, Kenworth, Marmon, and Western Star
–The leader of the Autobots has taken all of these various forms in cinema. His original toy form based off of a 1980 International TrasnStar is may favourite. Why can he endorse 4 companies all at the same time? Because he's Optimus Prime. 'Nuff Said!
Wade Wilson loves him some Chimichangas. We all know that. And, he's the “Merc With The Mouth.” So, he should put his mouth to making some money. Coming out this fall, The Merc Meal, a six shooter offering of chimichangas loaded with his special napalm hot sauce. It's guaranteed to transform you into a living weapon, instantly making your bottom end a tear gas dispenser, automatic shotgun, and flamethrower all in one! Oh and when you're done, you can use a couple of Aquaman issues to clean up with, since they really aren't good for anything else.
What Do You Think?
There you have it.
I hope everyone enjoyed this tongue in cheek ‘What If’ of consumer proportions. Hopefully I'll roll out another Top Ten next week.
Any suggestions or challenges out there?
Let us know in the comments below