The big thing at the moment is that legions of hit films are being adapted for the small screen. Shows like Hannibal, Sleepy Hollow and Teen Wolf are already established successes, while Fargo is just getting off the ground, and Bates Motel has received mixed reviews. But with a plethora of other adaptations on the way, including The Omen and Constantine, is the market becoming too saturated with them. And just what’s coming next? Well, I’ve done Hollywood’s work for them and created some pitches for new adaptations. Some workable, some terrible, and some downright weird.
With the story taking place over 20 years (30 in the book), The Shawshank Redemption has a lot of scope to be a successful prison drama. More in the vein of Oz than Orange is the New Black, a lengthy TV series would give characters like Andy and Red opportunity to develop, without having to compress key events for running time purposes. It could actually be a success. But the problem with adapting The Shawshank Redemption is the absolutely iconic portrayals of these characters by Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. Against talent like that, even the best adaptation would seem inferior.
Inception: The TV Series would follow Cobb, Arthur and co as they delve into various dreams to commit intellectual heists, much like a supernatural version of Hustle. Each week would feature a different mark, but there’s a sinister presence lurking in the shadows of every dream, revealing itself in the season finale. Starting out spectacularly, the budget would run out very quickly, resulting in the dream of episode seven taking place in a McDonalds in Iowa.
Unleashing Tommy Wiseau into your home every week may sound like the worst idea imaginable (or, if you’re as big a fanatic of this film as me, the best!) but there is so much untapped potential in The Room that a TV series is downright necessary. Unused elements of Wiseau’s script, as revealed in Greg Sestero’s book The Disaster Artist, could only be given the necessary time to develop on television. Elements such as the revelation that Johnny was a vampire, or the introduction of his flying car, these are all things that The Room was missing. Also, we could prank people in the future by telling them it was this generation’s Twin Peaks, and laugh as they try to find intellectual meaning in it.
Clearly airing on HBO or Showtime (Sky Atlantic and Channel 4 would duel for the UK rights) it’s all stripping, all the time, as the television McConaissance continues (McConaughey obviously being in the excellent True Detective). With McConaughey, Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer and the like given a full series, we get to see plenty more gyrating and man-thongs, in a series that loses all the dark elements of the film and becomes a heartwarming tale of male bonding and pectoral muscles. Unnecessarily idealistic ambitions would be given to the male strippers. Bomer’s character is stripping to raise funds for an orphanage. Channing Tatum has dreams of Broadway. Just like a naked Glee!
That's what we got; now what you got? Feel free to posit your own utterly bizarre contortions of filmic goodness for televisual cannibalism in the comments below.