Robert Frost once said, “Good fences make good neighbours.” Now, I’ve not read nearly as much Robert Frost as I should have (The Road Not Taken is pretty much it), but if he had only ever said one thing, and it was that line about fences, I’d still think him a damn genius. Living in a close community with people - strangers, effectively - living all around you is a part of life that is fraught with the potential for awkwardness, embarrassment and conflict. I mean, it’s all well and good to talk about communal spirit and easy social interaction across the fence, but when it comes right down to it… who are those people? What do you really know about them? Other than the fact they have a much neater garden and take their bins out way sooner than everyone else, what is their deal? Someone should really look into that…
You might want to put more than just a good fence if you live near any of these weirdos.
Sid Phillips (voiced by Erik von Detten) from Toy Story
Harbinger of doom, destroyer of toys… Seriously, this kid’s a nightmare who hacks at and pulls apart toys for the pleasure of doing so. And when you put explosives into the mix, it’s a whole different game. If nothing else, your garden is going to be scattered with Barbie’s disembodied limbs and scorched chunks of plastic from what used to be a Combat Carl. All I can say is that it’s a good thing toys aren’t alive… wait, hang on a second… SID, YOU MONSTER!
The Klopeks (Henry Gibson, Brother Theodore and Courtney Gains) from The 'burbs
The prototypical weird ones of the neighbourhood. You know, the kind that keeps themselves to themselves, rarely going out during the daytime, lots of weird noises coming from their basement at night. No one knows where they came from, or even when they moved in. They’re the ones ruining the harmony of the neighbourhood, making things kind of uncomfortable for everyone else. What’s wrong with them? Can’t they do something to fit in better? Keep their place nicer? Be more social? Can’t they be more like the rest of us?
Community spirit and concern for the collective welfare of your neighbours is a good thing. Keep people safe, watch out for trouble, try to maintain a sense of decency and morale for the area. And then you’ve got these jackasses, four social misfits brought together by their need to feel big and important in shiny jackets. So what if they think they’ve uncovered an alien conspiracy to destroy humanity? They blew up a cow, goddammit!
Vic and Ramona (Dan Aykroyd and Cathy Moriarty) from Neighbors
You ever met your polar opposite? Someone that you just won’t ever be able to get along with, no matter how hard you try? Earl Keese has. He’s a buttoned-down quiet type. No excitement, no zaniness, just peace. Then he meets his new neighbours, the loud and obnoxious Vic and the permanently horny Ramona, two folks who just come from a different world of thinking, a different manner of behaving. It’s best if these folks just stayed away from each other, but they’re neighbours now. Welcome to the end of the road, I guess.
Carter Hayes (Michael Keaton) from Pacific Heights
Some neighbours think they can get away with anything. And sometimes, if they are as smart and manipulative as Hayes, then that’s kind of true. He knows exactly how to play the system, knows every law and by-law, making him a formidable opponent in any dispute. Technically, that tree is on his property. Legally, he has the right to move that fence. The noise level isn’t high enough to constitute a nuisance. Someone like Hayes can make your life a living hell and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Fun and free-spirited can only get you so far before you start to piss people off, and I’ll be damned if Corie doesn’t wear out that welcome within minutes of showing up. Having only just moved into the building for a matter of minutes, she wants to bang on every neighbour’s door yelling for the police. If that doesn’t instantly sour you to everyone in your immediate vicinity, I don’t know what will. That she doesn’t find her own sexually predatory neighbour Victor Velasco to be incredibly unsettling just makes her even more infuriating.
Louis Tully (Rick Moranis) from Ghostbusters
“Oh, hi Louis… yeah, you caught me just getting in… again…” In fairness, Louis and his ilk are generally harmless and just want to chat, but when you feel like you have to tiptoe past his door to get to your own for fear of having to engage him in any way, well that just sounds like far too much work to go through at the end of every day. And his parties look like they suck!
Lars Thorwald (Raymond Burr) from Rear Window (see also Robert Turner from Disturbia)
Some neighbours you feel a need to keep a special eye on. They seem a little dull at first, not much to engage your interest, but then you notice something, like… where… where’s that guy’s wife? As soon as you notice this anomaly, you have to look further, and then you start to get a very uneasy feeling about this one. There’s something very sinister about him. You should absolutely keep an eye on this one. Just so long as he doesn’t see you keeping an eye on him. That’d probably be bad.
Finally! Some normal people in the neighbourhood. A good, decent, hard-working couple with kids of their own. These seem like the perfect people to be friends with. Sure, they do some things at night that are a little… unusual, but we’ve all got our own things. He’s building even helping to build a mall, so he’s a productive member of society. “Hey, neighbour, here’s some of your mail.” Wait, where did he go to college again? What’s his name?… What are those blueprints for?… oh dear.
Jerry Dandrige (Chris Sarandon) from Fright Night
Conflict with a neighbour is super awkward, but it’s made worse if they happen to be an unholy creature of the undead. Weirdos, creeps and wannabe tough guys are one thing, but a vampire is a whole new level of Worst. Neighbour. Ever. They are stronger, faster and infinitely more charming than you. Sure, they won’t bother you much during the day, but when they start to zone in on your mother or your girlfriend as their next meal, then you kind of have to step in and get involved.
Literally every single person from Project X
…… yeah, I’ll take the vampire guy and the Klopeks long before I want to live in the same city as the kids in Project X, who turn a house party into a full-scale riot and five-alarm fire. The hell with this place, I'm moving out.
So, who is your worst movie neighbour? Comment below and help populate the worst neighbourhood in moviedom.