The night before the Oscars is the date to celebrate the worst Hollywood has to offer. Yes, it’s time for the 34th Golden Raspberry Awards, and as I’m With Geek’s resident Bad Movie Expert, it’s my job to guide you through the “winners” of the prestigious Razzies.
Grown Ups 2
The Lone Ranger
A Madea Christmas
THE WINNER: Movie 43
I can’t say I’m not surprised. Dreadful as Movie 43 may be, I thought After Earth or Grown Ups 2 were a dead-cert, given the Razzies hatred of Adam Sandler and the number of nominations After Earth received.
Halle Berry - The Call and Movie 43
Selena Gomez - Getaway
Lindsay Lohan - The Canyons
Tyler Perry - A Madea Christmas
Naomi Watts - Diana and Movie 43
THE WINNER: Tyler Perry
It’s very easy, and in fact quite lazy, to mock Lindsay Lohan, but her performance in The Canyons, intended to be her big comeback, is so incredibly painful that I cannot say she doesn’t wholly deserve the Razzie. Which is why I’m so surprised that Tyler Perry takes the award. I guess, no matter how bad the other actresses are, at least they’re not as bad as a tired “man in a dress” joke.
Johnny Depp - The Lone Ranger
Ashton Kutcher - Jobs
Adam Sandler - Grown Ups 2
Jaden Smith - After Earth
Sylvester Stallone - Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match
THE WINNER: Jaden Smith
This year sees Sly Stallone gaining his unprecedented 31st Razzie nomination, in the awards’ 34 year history! That is an accomplishment in itself. Less of an accomplishment is Jaden Smith’s complete lack of ability to carry a major motion picture.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Lady Gaga – Machete Kills
Salma Hayek – Grown Ups 2
Katherine Heigl – The Big Wedding
Kim Kardashian – Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Lindsay Lohan – InAPPropriate Comedy and Scary Movie 5
THE WINNER: Kim Kardashian
Lady Gaga was a stunt casting in a film that was not intended to be taken seriously, while Lohan was merely the butt of some terrible jokes, and thus much less deserving of this nomination than her dreadful performance in The Canyons. Meanwhile, Kim Kardashian was barely able to speak in Temptation, and thus a fully deserving winner.
Chris Brown – Battle of the Year
Larry the Cable Guy – A Madea Christmas
Taylor Lautner – Grown Ups 2
Will Smith – After Earth
Nick Swardson – A Haunted House and Grown Ups 2
THE WINNER: Will Smith
Poor Will Smith. It’s not his fault that he’s so blinded by fatherly love that he cannot recognise his son’s complete lack of star quality. Still, Smith’s character is called Cypher Raige. CYPHER RAIGE. You can’t play a character with that name without expecting a Razzie coming your way.
WORST SCREEN COMBO
The Entire Cast of Grown Ups 2
The Entire Cast of Movie 43
Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen – Scary Movie 5
Tyler Perry and EITHER Larry the Cable Guy OR That Worn-Out Wig and Dress – A Madea Christmas
Jaden Smith and Will Smith on Planet Nepotism – After Earth
THE WINNER: Jaden Smith and Will Smith
At this point, we start to get the feeling that the Razzie committee really hated After Earth.
The 13 People who Directed Movie 43
Denis Dugan – Grown Ups 2
Tyler Perry – A Madea Christmas and Temptation
M. Night Shyamalan – After Earth
Gore Verbinski – The Lone Ranger
THE WINNER: The 13 People who Directed Movie 43
There is some genuine talent working on Movie 43, including Bob “Saul Goodman” Odenkirk. But perhaps it was the fact that thirteen people directed this film that made it such a mess.
After Earth - screenplay by Gary Whitta and M. Night Shyamalan; story by Will Smith
Grown Ups 2 - written by Fred Wolfe, Adam Sandler, and Tim Herlihy
The Lone Ranger - screen story and screenplay by Ted Elliott, Justin Haythe, and Terry Rosso
A Madea Christmas - written by Tyler Perry
Movie 43 - written by 19 screenwriters
THE WINNER: Movie 43’s 19 screenwriters
As with the winner of Best Director, Movie 43 suffers from “too many cooks spoil the broth” syndrome.
WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL
Grown Ups 2
The Hangover Part III
The Lone Ranger
Scary Movie 5
THE WINNER: The Lone Ranger
I honestly thought this award was Grown Ups 2’s to lose, but the Razzies have surprised us by awarding Adam Sandler no awards this year. The Lone Ranger, meanwhile, was ill-advised, and perhaps this award will convince Johnny Depp to stop wearing silly costumes and talking in a slightly drunk voice, and start acting in the way we know he can again.