This week it was announced that Charlie Hunnam and Dakota Johnson have filled the lead roles of impending 50 Shades of Grey movie. The film, based on a series of famous book, sees the characters get in on as many times as humanely possible because the book is simply overdone Twilight fan-fiction. This means that we will no doubt be subjected to a movie with so much sex that it should be classed as porn. So together, the I’m With Geek team have put our brains (and bodies) together to bring you the best sex scenes in cinematic history, for good and bad reasons.
Let’s get it on...
Perhaps one of the most memorable sex scenes due to the fact that the sex is so weird. Avatar is considered one of the most overrated movies of all time, only boasting sweeping and great special effects in place of a decent story. Pocahontas on acid, Avatar sloppily tried to sell a story of conservation and understanding all the while getting the lead to bone the girl. And it’s hardly boning - connecting their tails, grinding their bodies against each other while the whole forest illuminates. Ignoring the fact that they also connect their tails with the animals in apparent bestiality, this blue monkey sex scene is so odd and awkward, like watching...well, blue monkey’s having sex.
A whole collection of sex scenes here that all fail on an epic proportion, The Room is one of those 'so bad that it’s good' movies, with a whole cult following behind it. Tommy Wiseau directs, stars and writes this master class of fail that has been piling people into cinema screenings with their collection of spoons and wailing "you’re tearing me apart, Lisa!” at the screen. Looking like a sack of potatoes in a leather outfit, Wiseau is tragically awkward and hilariously serious. The Room conducts its sex scenes in such a misguided manner that the eroticism isn’t so much hot, it is uncomfortable and unnatural. It will make your toes curl out of awfulness.
The scene in The Astronaut's Wife is interesting because of the context. Spencer could have chosen any moment to describe the nature of what he'd gone through and how it affected him; that he chose to make it sexual, to me, was more of a grasp for power than desire. The way he used his hands to push Jillian to an edge where she had no control was, in a way, a mirror for how he'd used the thought of her to regain his own control while in space. The entire scene had this sense of danger and uncertainty that one doesn't normally think of where a husband and wife are concerned, where it could be sensed that not all was right, that there was perhaps even an underlying sense of fear from the wife, even if she was open to having him at that point, the fear pushing her own desire to a whole other level.
Let’s introduce you to the most intense and over the top yet brilliant movie of all time. Bangkok Love Story is dramatic, it is so dramatic. It is too dramatic. With fast intense shots sliced over slow motion, screaming passionately in the streets and perhaps a convoluted plot point involving a kidnapper falling in love with his male hostage, this movie has a really really passionate, perhaps too passionate, gay sex scene. As one of our wounded heroes is sponged bathed by the other on a rooftop, they find they can’t ignore their attraction any longer and the scrubbing leads to a kiss which leads to shacking up in a shack. This would all be well and good if the music wasn’t so misplaced and ridiculous. Oh, and our leads weren’t called Stone and Cloud.
Velvet Goldmine follows the tale of a journalist Arthur Stuart who goes back to his glam rock heydays’ to investigate the disappearance of a famous star Brian Slade. Encountering all connected to find out what happened to Slade, Stuart confronts elements of his own past. Starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Christian Bale and Ewan McGregor, Velvet Goldmine is a combination of the surreal, incredible BAFTA winning costumes and a wicked soundtrack. The sex scene we are talking about is between Stuart and Curt Wild and it is beautifully shot against the wonderful soundtrack. What makes it brilliant is that it is between Christian Bale and Ewan McGregor. That’s right, it is Obi-Wan Kenobi fucking Batman! Make sure you check out McGregor’s story about filming the scenes.
Here’s a movie that may shock everyone at being one of the best sex scenes in comedy movie history. And we’re not talking about the copious amount of sex scenes that are common place with a movie that has “porno” in the title. Actually, shit on the face aside, the best sexual moment in Zack and Miri is the inevitable sex scene between the titular characters. There are some who have actually swooned. This differs largely from the clumsy sex scene we saw Rogen do in Knocked Up; there is great chemistry between Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. Kevin Smith directs this scene well and it is actually poignant.
A History of Violence sex scenes are separate but are the perfect counterpoint to each other. The first involves Sort of cheating because it's two scenes, but not possible to separate them as they serve to counterpoint each other. The first is a tender, cute, even bashful scene that marks the romantic love between husband and wife as Edie teases Jack with a cheerleaders outfit. The second, after the event, marks the shift in their relationship and the change of atmosphere in the air; now becoming almost a violent fight that comes dangerously close to rape. The parallels in David Cronenberg’s movie serve as a masterpiece in movie making.
Is there anything more we need to add? Is there someone who hasn’t seen this movie? Team America World Police is the hilarious brain child of Matt Parker and Trey Stone, the creators of South Park. The quote along antics of World Police is their most successful movie to date and it is still making people laugh with their high action explosions, cool one liners and musical numbers. Oh and the whole thing is done with puppets. The height of this excellence in this movie, though it is a riot the whole way through, comes when lead, Gary and the woman he fancies, Lisa, get it on. Because nothing says comedy more than puppets having sex. And it isn’t just sex, it is graphic and kinky sexy. It is a Thunderbirds Porno.
David Lynch has always been the master of the surreal, conducting some invoking and weird movies with deeper hidden messages. Blue Velvet and Eraserhead always tow the line between the captivating and the controversial. Mulholland Drive, this neo-noir movie, is a cryptic and enigmatic puzzle, slicing up with dreamlike sequences, this scene is one of the surprising for its emotional and somewhat deep look at sexuality. The scene could almost be dismissed as mere titillation were it not for the tender nature of the scene, the performances of those involved (especially Watts... My God, she's amazing in that film) and the true reality of the story, revealing the rather tragic need for such a scene to take place.
Don’t Look Now could easily be laughed off by Donald Sutherland groaning his way through it, but if you take it seriously and be grown up about it, it is seriously the best sex scene of all time. The scene in question carries an emotional weight that few other films can honestly claim. The act itself is the blazing and impassioned rekindling of the love between two people thought to have been completely lost because of their gradual estrangement over the loss of their child. That it's cut with shots of them getting dressed to go out heightens that passion by offering a counterpoint. With this juxtaposition, making the scene almost dizzying, it becomes touching, realistic and ultimately a perfect combination of loss, love and lust.