Howdy Friends!
We’re getting closer and closer to the end of the year, so it would be a good time to reflect on my least favourite films from 2013.
Unlike a lot of people, I didn’t see too many stinkers so the list only comes to five. Also unlike a lot of people, After Earth is not on this list, as I had the common sense not to watch it. To be honest though, there were a lot of films that came under fire in 2013. Some that truly deserved it (Grown Ups 2, R.I.P.D, The Big Wedding), some that polarised critics (Only God Forgives, The Counsellor) and then some that just didn’t deserve the hate at all, like Gangster Squad (which, by the way, was awesome).
Before I start, let’s throw an honourable (or is it dishonourable in this case?) mention to Warm Bodies, the very slow and unfunny Zom-Com released near the start of the year. Right, let’s get on with it!
What do you get when you take Brad Pitt, put him in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, throw in some bad CGI, danger, even Peter Capaldi, and stay away from the source material as much as possible?
This shit.
Don’t quote me on that last one, I’ve never read the book, but WWZ was a tragedy. Sad thing is, it had a lot of potential. I, myself, was really looking forward to watching it. Let me just break the film down for you: it starts off very slow and very boring, until about an hour in when the pace increases and things get a tiny bit better. And then just when you’re starting to really enjoy it, it ends. It just ends. Having had a lot of time to think about it, I’ve realised the ending isn’t overly bad. I still hate it, but it’s not that bad. My problem lies with the fact that it takes far too long to become enjoyable, and so when you’re finally getting into it, it’s too late. Plus, when you hear how the film was originally supposed to end, you start wishing they’d gone for that one instead
Our editor Cookie is a big fan of this film (Ed: I knew you'd bring me into this, Robbie.) In fact, she thinks it’s one of the best of the year (Ed: Yes. Yes, I do.) Now, each to their own and what not, but I cannot even pretend I understand where she’s coming from.
Matthew McConaughey and Zac Efron play two brothers who investigate into the crimes of a man on death row (John Cusack) who might actually be innocent. At the same time, Efron falls in love with his sleazy girlfriend (Nicole Kidman), who longs to see him out of prison. The trailer was amazing. First time watching it, I couldn’t actually tell what the plot was, and that’s usually a sign I’ll enjoy it a film. Sadly, I found it to be a horribly made piece of cinema. McConaughey and Efron were absolutely fine but Cusack and Kidman made me cringe with their performances, an opinion I am very much alone with. Following that, it’s just a dull and slow film that takes far too long to go absolutely nowhere.
But hey, if you’ve ever wanted to see John Cusack and Nicole Kidman orgasm over each other in the most disturbing way, then this is the film for you. (Ed: Don't forget the peeing!)
This is the film on my list that, I’ll admit, didn’t actually have a lot of promise. The film stars Gemma Arterton and my arch nemesis, Jeremy Renner as the fairy tale siblings who, after almost being killed by a witch as children, dedicate their lives to killing the creatures. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that may hold a link to their past.
Like I said, this one didn’t hold a lot of promise. No one was actually expecting a good film, they were expecting something to have fun with, to turn off and enjoy on a Saturday night. We didn’t even get that. It’s too boring and too slow to turn off to, too formulaic to ignore its clichés, and to top it all off, Jeremy Renner is in it. I’m not entirely sure what people like about him; sure, he’s not bad looking, but his acting skills are atrocious. The closest he’s ever come to good in my opinion is Ben Affleck’s The Town, but even then, I don’t think he deserved his Oscar nomination. Nor his one for The Hurt Locker, which was not only a mediocre film at best but his performance was absolutely nothing special. I long for the day where I can put on a Renner film and actually enjoy him. Maybe American Hustle can do that for me. He is the only thing I’m not looking forward to about that movie so he better be good.
I almost didn’t include this film, just for the fact that it is actually a year old. The UK received it very late this year, with the second film following it only a few months later, as the rest of the world received it in 2012. Still, this was just too awful to not include.
A group of robbers are hired to find a specific video tape in an abandoned house, and they start watching them, each one ‘scarier’ than the last. The Smurfs 2 was probably scarier than this. I’m not fond of the found footage way of shooting stuff outside of the Paranormal Activity movies but even then, these segments were horribly written and awfully dragged out. I know I’ll probably garner some hate from horror fans as I know this was actually quite well received, but it did absolutely nothing for me.
So here we are at number one. Honestly, it was not a hard decision. No amount of shit horror, CGI zombies or Jeremy Renner can even come close to being as bad this one. Gathering only 28% on Rotten Tomatoes, I’m surely not alone here. Ladies and Gents, my number one worst movie of 2013 is.......
I’ve said it before in one of my articles that I don’t mind watching bad comedies. But not when they’re this bloody terrible. 21 and Over tells the story of three friends, who go out to celebrate one of their 21st birthdays. However, the birthday boy Jeff Chang is reluctant to go out, due to a medical school interview he has in the morning and what his scary Dad will do to him. But he goes out none the less. After getting absolutely wasted, the boys must take Jeff Chang home, but have forgotten where he lives. And thus, they go on a crazy adventure through the night, invading other dorms and getting into fights with bullies as they desperately try to get him home for his interview in the morning.
If you just read that plot description and thought; “That sounds a bit like The Hangover”, that’s because it is a bit like The Hangover. In fact, it’s a LOT like The Hangover. Actually, it’s just The Hangover, except it’s not funny, not interesting, not well acted, not well written, and not worth your money.
Sad thing is, this film is aimed at people in my age bracket. Sure, I may not be 21 yet but you can tell from a mile off that people my age were supposed to enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I love crude humour, but if someone can call me up and explain to me what’s funny about a drunk bloke eating a tampon thinking it’s a chocolate bar, that’d be great, thanks.
An absolute travesty, which is shame as, like Hansel and Gretel, I was looking for something to turn off too. Unfortunately, what we got is something so formulaic I could cry. Hansel and Gretel looks like an original piece of cinema compared to this. In a year of good films and bad, this was the worst that I saw.
So there we have it folks, my top five worst films of the year.
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Let us know your worst films of 2013 in the comments!
And if you’re saying Gangster Squad, I’m not listening.