Aquaman (click for source)
by Jacob H Baxter
In the world of comics we find outrageous and fantastical people with amazing powers. The stories behind them are inventive and interesting. But, sometimes they take the wow factor and crank it to 11. At that point in time, things just get a little too crazy. That's when it goes beyond interesting and into ridiculous. I can see where some of these might have started off as a good idea, but then fell flat somewhere. While others, I feel, might have been some artist or writer's idea of “What the hell, let's see what kind of reaction the brass will give me from this one”. Some of these are far more out there than others. So, in no particular order, here we go...
In the world of comics we find outrageous and fantastical people with amazing powers. The stories behind them are inventive and interesting. But, sometimes they take the wow factor and crank it to 11. At that point in time, things just get a little too crazy. That's when it goes beyond interesting and into ridiculous. I can see where some of these might have started off as a good idea, but then fell flat somewhere. While others, I feel, might have been some artist or writer's idea of “What the hell, let's see what kind of reaction the brass will give me from this one”. Some of these are far more out there than others. So, in no particular order, here we go...
Dog Welder - seriously... (click for source)
10. Aquaman – Oh, I love to make fun of Aquaman. I don't really know why. It just seems to come naturally. I mean, really, come on. The guy talks to fish. I reckon that is a pretty good skill when you're underwater. But, most comic book fights I've seen don't happen there. So, I see him more as a utility specialist. There was an old Cartoon network short where The Powerpuff Girls rescue him and Wonder Woman, and that sums up my feelings about Aquaman perfectly.
9. Dog Welder – This guy welds dead dogs to people's faces! Let me type that one more time in case the absurdity of it all didn't hit you the first time... THIS GUY WELDS DEAD DOGS TO PEOPLE'S FACES! Two resounding questions kept popping through my head when I discovered this guy as I did the research for this article. One, how in the blue Hell did they get this one by PETA and ASPC? Two, where does he find all of these dead dogs in which to weld to people's faces? Three, I don't know what kind of drugs his creator was on when he though him up, but where can I get them?
8. Colour Kid – changes the colour of things. OK, how is this useful? I guess in a fight against Green Lantern it might be. Or, if you've been mystically transported into a realm of Magic: The Gathering he could help. Oh, so you've cast a red circle of protection? No, problem, all of my goblins are now green cards.
7. Arm Fall Off Boy – can detach limbs and use them as weapons. I really wish I had known about this guy years ago. I knew a man, a friend's father, Harold Bateman, who was a really cool guy. He was double amputated below his knees due to diabetic complications. But, that didn't take away his sense of humour or fiery attitude. He'd often threaten to take his prosthetic limbs off and beat us with them if we ever angered him. If he were alive today, I'd surely give him an issue that this guy appeared in. Hal, I hope you're looking down on this and smiling.
9. Dog Welder – This guy welds dead dogs to people's faces! Let me type that one more time in case the absurdity of it all didn't hit you the first time... THIS GUY WELDS DEAD DOGS TO PEOPLE'S FACES! Two resounding questions kept popping through my head when I discovered this guy as I did the research for this article. One, how in the blue Hell did they get this one by PETA and ASPC? Two, where does he find all of these dead dogs in which to weld to people's faces? Three, I don't know what kind of drugs his creator was on when he though him up, but where can I get them?
8. Colour Kid – changes the colour of things. OK, how is this useful? I guess in a fight against Green Lantern it might be. Or, if you've been mystically transported into a realm of Magic: The Gathering he could help. Oh, so you've cast a red circle of protection? No, problem, all of my goblins are now green cards.
7. Arm Fall Off Boy – can detach limbs and use them as weapons. I really wish I had known about this guy years ago. I knew a man, a friend's father, Harold Bateman, who was a really cool guy. He was double amputated below his knees due to diabetic complications. But, that didn't take away his sense of humour or fiery attitude. He'd often threaten to take his prosthetic limbs off and beat us with them if we ever angered him. If he were alive today, I'd surely give him an issue that this guy appeared in. Hal, I hope you're looking down on this and smiling.
Skate Man (click for source)
6. Door Man – can only teleport people to the next room. This is a seemingly useless power. I mean, only to the next room. That isn't even needed if you've got someone like Juggernaut around. Ole Juggy can knock a wall down and you can walk right through yourself.
5. Razorback – can drive anything. This doesn't seem so much like a superpower as it does some kind of intuition. I mean, I've driven many things growing up on a farm; tractors, trucks, forklifts, combines, etc. But, they're not all that different from one another, only minor changes in operation here and there. I don't see what a wild boar has to do with driving either. My only guess is that the person that created him is a huge fan of the University of Arkansas' football team and wanted to pay homage to it.
4. Skate Man – fights on roller skates. Yes, that is correct. He fights on roller skates. So, he doesn't even have any powers. He just fights on skates. In January 1991, Kitchen Sink Press voted him worst comic book character of the past 25 years.
3. Almighty Dollar – This one sort of coincides with the last entry in a roundabout way. Skate Man has no actual superpowers, right? Well, by definition, neither does Iron Man or Batman. But, they're rich, so they use their wealth to buy all those wonderful toys and gadgets that they use to fight crime with. They figuratively throw money at the problem. Almighty Dollar can shoot pennies out of his wrist. So, he literally does it.
2. Infectious Lass – makes people in her general vicinity feel sick. Extra ridiculous crazy point are awarded due to the fact that her teammates often are also affected as collateral damage. Oh my! I can't imagine why anyone would think that this character would get over. Infectious Lass? Sounds like Kim Kardashian's alter ego.
1. US One – can hear CB radio transmissions in his head. OK, well, I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I guess anyone can have this superpower if they own a receiver. It's also an archaic technology. I only know a few people that still even use these things. They're like pre-historic cell phones that you can't even Facebook on. This guy really takes the cake.
There you have it, the ten craziest super heroes that I managed to dredge the collective bottom of the barrel for. I hope everyone enjoyed this list. Next week I'll be back with the top ten comic book characters I'd like to have at a dinner party.
Who's your most ridiculous super hero? Let us know what you think below!
5. Razorback – can drive anything. This doesn't seem so much like a superpower as it does some kind of intuition. I mean, I've driven many things growing up on a farm; tractors, trucks, forklifts, combines, etc. But, they're not all that different from one another, only minor changes in operation here and there. I don't see what a wild boar has to do with driving either. My only guess is that the person that created him is a huge fan of the University of Arkansas' football team and wanted to pay homage to it.
4. Skate Man – fights on roller skates. Yes, that is correct. He fights on roller skates. So, he doesn't even have any powers. He just fights on skates. In January 1991, Kitchen Sink Press voted him worst comic book character of the past 25 years.
3. Almighty Dollar – This one sort of coincides with the last entry in a roundabout way. Skate Man has no actual superpowers, right? Well, by definition, neither does Iron Man or Batman. But, they're rich, so they use their wealth to buy all those wonderful toys and gadgets that they use to fight crime with. They figuratively throw money at the problem. Almighty Dollar can shoot pennies out of his wrist. So, he literally does it.
2. Infectious Lass – makes people in her general vicinity feel sick. Extra ridiculous crazy point are awarded due to the fact that her teammates often are also affected as collateral damage. Oh my! I can't imagine why anyone would think that this character would get over. Infectious Lass? Sounds like Kim Kardashian's alter ego.
1. US One – can hear CB radio transmissions in his head. OK, well, I'm not even sure where to start with this one. I guess anyone can have this superpower if they own a receiver. It's also an archaic technology. I only know a few people that still even use these things. They're like pre-historic cell phones that you can't even Facebook on. This guy really takes the cake.
There you have it, the ten craziest super heroes that I managed to dredge the collective bottom of the barrel for. I hope everyone enjoyed this list. Next week I'll be back with the top ten comic book characters I'd like to have at a dinner party.
Who's your most ridiculous super hero? Let us know what you think below!
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